Life Begins Read online

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “I have more space. You will not have to sleep on couch.”

  Then she really would be at his mercy. He tapped in the space he’d left for her to sign. “Hurry. I have to get back to my girls.”

  She signed it and wrote down the date. He then slid the paper from beneath her. “I will take you to work in the morning like before. We will talk deeper about the terms then.”

  She walked him to her door, eyes focused on the tattoos covering his back. Her mind felt blanked. She was actually going to do this, behave as some man’s unofficial wife. She had no idea how this was going to affect future chances of gaining a relationship with the right kind of man, but, God she had no idea what she was doing. She just prayed that she didn’t live to regret it.

  “Are you coming to the meeting this week?” Marisol asked over the cell phone. “We’ve really missed you and have been wondering where you’ve been.”

  Josie chewed on her fingernail, wondering what she should say. Two weeks ago, she would have been honest, but now, she couldn’t really tell her church friend that the man paying her bills didn’t see a need for her to go to group meetings and had pretty much laid down the law about them going. “I don’t know,” she said with a sigh. “Things have been a little crazy, but I definitely miss you guys and will try to see what I can do.”

  She’d been procrastinating in allowing Žarko to take her to pick up a vehicle, but now that she was at the end of her two weeks’ notice at the grocery store, she had to make getting a car a priority. Žarko had specifically taken off work to force her into going. So getting a call out of the blue from Marisol wasn’t exactly welcome while she stood in the middle of the car dealership. She turned to see the salesman and Žarko looking around one of the vans. Jason stayed at his side, officially making it clear that he was a little traitor.

  At least with Jane strapped to her chest, she could keep her little girl from falling under the snare that was the tall Serbian man paying for everything.

  “Is the problem that you don’t have a car?”

  Josie sighed. “No. That’s not the problem.” She had to get off the phone. Žarko approached, his lips turned down slightly as if he knew she talked to Marisol. “I have to go, but I really will try to make it to group tonight, but I do have little guys so I don’t know how they are going to act.” Everyone would just have to understand.

  “Fine. You’ll tell me if you need help right? I mean that neighbor of yours isn’t causing any trouble is he?”

  Josie forced a laugh. “I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later, though.” She hung up the phone before he reached her and she felt kind of bad for lying to someone who had been there for her.

  “You need to see car to know if you will like it,” he said, staring down at her.

  “I know, but honestly, I don’t care what vehicle I drive. As long as it’s safe and can carry everybody.” It was his money after all and she trusted that he wouldn’t want to put his daughters in danger and that’s the conversation she hoped her eyes conveyed.

  He stared at her, making her heart pound with a fear unlike any other. “You trust me to pick car?” She nodded. She actually preferred it.

  “I just want a blue one, but I’ll let you have the final say.” By his expression she could tell that her answer pleased him. And it was truly evidenced by the fact that he and the man began to talk without ever asking her personal opinion. He chose a nice deep blue minivan to take for a test drive while she stayed behind with the kids. For once, she allowed Jason to indulge in an iced chocolate donut hole because it kept him quiet and incapable of disturbing the other visitors to the car center.

  Once Žarko and the nice older car salesman returned from the drive, there was the brief matter of signing all the paperwork. She had no idea that Žarko would pay cash until he had the money transferred over from his bank. She tried to keep quiet, but she had to wonder again, why he wanted to have any dealings with her. Maybe there was some cultural thing that she was missing. Considering his thick accent, it shouldn’t have been difficult to remind herself that he was foreign, but for whatever reason. She had trouble figuring him out.

  Once payment had been confirmed, Žarko had the car seats transferred from his vehicle to hers and then, they were on their way back to the apartment and on to the next phase of his master plan. She hadn’t quite yet decided to give up her apartment, but for the sake of sanity, she did agree to cook all meals in his apartment, mostly because he did have the bigger space, including the dining room that her apartment was missing. Because she had agreed to that, she had to set his kitchen up to her specifications. Easy, when the man who lived here didn’t actually cook anything.

  “Is there anything special that the girls would like for dinner?” With the extra money from her last paycheck, she’d decided to splurge and bought a Serbian cookbook online, figuring that was something that his family was used to. She didn’t bother to look at Žarko as she pulled the book out of her diaper bag and began to rifle through it.

  Of course, he saw what she had and pulled it from her hands to look through it. “You will make Serbian cuisine?” He didn’t look as if he believed her, but Josie had faith that she could do anything, as long as she could find the right items.

  “I can make anything with a recipe,” she told him. She tried not to allow his smile to affect her.

  “Let’s see what you can do.”

  She would not be intimidated. “If you like it, we have to go to life group tonight. And you have to be honest.” He looked like he would disagree, but finally, he nodded.

  “What will I get if I don’t like?”

  “I don’t know. What do you want?”

  He moved toward his living room where her kids were. “You will live here and learn to cook like real Serbian.”

  “Why would living here make a difference?”

  He didn’t answer, but that smile of his was pure devilish and she decided she didn’t want to find out. She turned toward her cookbook, hoping to find something that she could make. She had to be successful, even if it killed her because she refused to live under the same roof as temptation.

  “I will pick up the girls while you make Serbian dish. When I get back, I will then taste. I will even take children with me so you are not distracted from meal.”

  “Ha ha. I will have you know that I am great in the kitchen. You are going to regret making fun of me.” She hoped her mouth didn’t get her in trouble because looking through the book, she wasn’t sure she could pull off the recipes most likely to impress him.

  He had no problems getting her children dressed and ready to head out the door. But just before he made his exit, he turned to her and said. “I will help you pack after meal.”

  “You wish.” After that last exchange, he left. Josie took one last look at the cookbook and really regretted her decision to try and make a Serbian meal. She really didn’t want to have to move.

  Chapter 5

  Marisol hugged her tight the moment she walked through the door. “I’m so glad you made it, chica. You don’t know how worried I’ve been about you.”

  Josie returned the hug awkwardly. “I told you I would try to make it. You act like I disappeared off the face of the planet.”

  Marisol held her at arm’s length, staring intently at her. “You look stressed.” Anyone would be if they felt the energy coming off of Žarko standing behind her. For whatever reason, he really hated these meetings. So naturally, they had to come in one vehicle so they could leave when he was ready. She hadn’t bothered to argue because she had the opportunity to make to the meeting on time.

  “I’m fine, Marisol. Please don’t start worrying about me.” She finally pulled away to grab the carrier out of Žarko’s hand, since Ljiljiana and Desa insisted on watching Jason for her. She didn’t mind it because her little boy seemed to love the attention of the older girls. They took him downstairs after saying a quick hello to Marisol.

  That seeme
d to bring Marisol’s attention to the man. “Oh, I didn’t know you came, Mr.…”

  “Knežević.” The way he said it and the sneer on his face spoke volumes about his dislike of Marisol. Josie really wanted to go downstairs with the kids, but felt more uncomfortable with the idea of leaving these particular two alone.

  “Maybe we should head downstairs, Žarko. We should probably make sure that the kids are all settling in.”

  He didn’t take his eyes off of Marisol once as he and Josie headed to the basement of the church. Josie tried to take a deep breath, but it was no use. She was worked up. “Please stop being a jerk to everyone here. This is still a church.”

  “Tell that to nosey chick.”

  “She’s my friend and she has a right to be concerned about me, especially where you are concerned,” she told him, just as they entered the nursery. She handed baby Jane over to the sitter and then followed Žarko into the main room where a circle of chairs waited for the beginning of the meeting.

  “That is not her problem.”

  She turned to him. “Of course that’s her problem. Anyone can tell that you are an intense person. You’re going to eat me alive by the time this is all over. I really think that you will be my greatest mistake. I don’t think that I will ever recover from dealing with you, and yet, I don’t even know why I can’t stop myself from trying.”

  He shrugged. “I suppose it depends on how you look at it.”

  Josie took her normal seat, Žarko taking the one beside her. She watched as others walked into the room, people that she had gotten to know in the last two months since joining her divorced single parents group. It didn’t take her long to notice how well the man at her side intimidated everyone and yet, he never stopped her from talking to whomever she wanted to hold a conversation with. At one point, she had even gone to talk close to Marisol. Not once did she feel uncomfortable.

  Then, when the meeting started, she settled back, allowing her mind to calm of all the worries and frustrations she’d been holding. For the first time since she started this whole journey, her body didn’t hurt. Her feet felt comfortable, she didn’t fight with Jason about getting ready to go to daycare. She spent the whole day cuddling her cute daughter, and yes, it might have also been spent dealing with the highhandedness of Žarko and his never ending need to have things his way, but considering he would be returning to work tomorrow, she had hope that life would finally get back to some semblance of normal. She would just think of her job as being a nanny to his daughters.

  When it came time for her to share her feelings over the past few weeks, she finally let it be said. “I’m still having a hard time adjusting and I’m pretty sure that I’m making many mistakes, but I don’t know. I’m trying to have hope for the future. I think that the hardest thing for me is getting used to the fact that I’m not still married. I just enjoyed it, maybe too much.”

  It was hard not to look at Žarko beside her. Yes, she had pretty much said nearly everything he’d told her, but she also knew that he’d been honest. She did like being home with her family and taking on the challenge of cooking had been something that she missed, because she’d always loved making everything from scratch. Sure, she still wasn’t married, but she hoped that someday, she actually did find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

  “But that’s why we need acceptance of our current circumstances,” Marisol said. “You’re not married. Perhaps you never will be again, so you have to learn how to be okay with that, for the sake of your children.”

  “But that does not mean that I don’t have to miss it,” Josie said in her own defense. “I know that I’m not married. I know that I’m not really dating. I know that I have to take care of my family, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t accept that this is difficult for me. My only working experience has been being a mother and a housewife. That’s really all I wanted to be. So yes, sometimes I feel like it’s unfair to have my life be different.”

  She shifted uncomfortably, her crossed legs bumping against Žarko. It was funny that in a roomful of people that she could rely on and bond with, she chose the least likely of individuals. Maybe it was because he offered her something that no one else here did, hope.

  “It is not fair to be upset with someone who has never worked,” Žarko said in her defense. “Everyone here had job previously and have continued to work. Children have less adjustment because already in school and daycare”. He probably could have mentioned how no one in the room had been left while pregnant with their daughter, but he didn’t actually know that about her and so she kept quiet.

  “I suppose that’s true,” Marisol said, “but at the same time, she has a job now and a place for her kids. We all had to make the adjustment and one of the best ways of doing it is to stop glorifying what used to be.”

  “So she should not seek another marriage because this one has ended? She has babies, not school kids, not teenagers.” Josie knew that was a direct jab at most if not all the people in the room. She knew for a fact that some of the men in the group weren’t direct caregivers to their children, but they came to the group looking for women who were, in order to take advantage of them. It had caused more than one young mother to leave the group. Some had even warned her about joining.

  But, she hadn’t thought that it would make a difference because she knew that she needed the support. None of her friends had ever been married, so she lost them. No one other than these people had children in her circle, so she had no one she could ask about being a single mother. She didn’t want to join the single mother’s group because most of those girls had never been married, so it wasn’t the same circumstances. It amazed her how much she allowed herself to defend Žarko, simply because he allowed her to do what she wanted.

  She had no idea how the rest of the conversation ended, but one thing she knew for sure, no else had a word to say about her feelings and life choices. She tuned back in long enough to have Žarko deflect his discussion about his own life. And for some reason, everyone else seemed to have little to say, which allowed the leaders to go into their talk and discussion questions.

  Josie didn’t feel the need to comment on what it meant to be triumphant as a single person. She didn’t really feel victorious. She felt tired and shaky, like she was trying to fool herself and others. Maybe Žarko was right, she wasn’t someone meant to be independent. But then, in a world like this, someone like her had to be really careful about everything. She didn’t want to fall back into a bad relationship with another man.

  Like the last time, Žarko decided when it was time for them to leave. This time she had prepared for it and had made sure that Jane finished her feeding before he was ready. Jason had already gone to sleep and lay in the pack in play in the corner, while the girls played a game of Old Maid. As she and Žarko had the only children, the moment she went to feed Jane, she sent the young woman home after giving her a tip for a job well done.

  Then, when Žarko entered the nursery area, his girls quietly put on their coats and other winter wear. Josie finished putting Jane in her baby bunting and then strapped her into her seat while he dealt with her son. Žarko moved fast, but that was something that she learned to expect and learned not to allow it to worry her. Instead, she set her concentration to the next day, when she would have to start taking the girls to school and setting up an organized schedule that wouldn’t drive her crazy. She was excited about the possibilities.

  Her first morning as a nanny/housewife saw her awake early to a knock on her apartment door from none other than Žarko, asking her if she planned to make breakfast for the girls. She stumbled from her apartment to his, expecting that he would take care of bringing her two since they were sleeping and she was supposed to do all the cooking.

  Both of his girls were awake and getting ready for the day, so Josie thought it best to keep their breakfast simple, yet something that would stick with them. What they ended up with was egg sandwiches, two for Žarko. She then scrambled some eggs
for Jason and made instant oatmeal for him to eat. She managed to finish everything just in time for the girls to sit at the table and for their father to come strolling through the door with a yawning toddler and a still sleeping infant.

  Once everyone took a seat, she fixed lunch for the girls to take and ran back to her apartment to take a quick shower and to get dressed. Most likely, she could eat after she got back and then she’d get Jason dressed for the day. Now that she didn’t really have a job other than looking after her kids during the day and then Žarko’s during the afternoon, she could do the things that she really wanted to do. She could now hit the local teacher store up for their educational videos, so that she and Jason could take advantage of his curiosity for learning.

  She felt excited, like she was waking from a bad dream. Jason ate without trouble, even letting her put his coat on him when it was time to leave for the day. The girls were no problems getting ready or dropping off at school. Back home, she bathed her babies, changed their clothing and got them to the store without fuss. She picked up educational videos and coloring books for her son and when they got home, she set him up on the couch with both of them.

  She made lunch for her son and while he ate, she planned what she would make for dinner. She wasn’t quite brave enough to attempt another Serbian dish just yet. She was surprised that she managed what she did last time and feared what failure this time could mean for her when it came to Žarko. Instead, she thought about making chili, something that could last for a week and warm everyone’s insides during this cold winter weather. She even thought it might be nice to split it in half and make a nice vegetarian version.

  She scrounged through her own pantry for the chili making materials. And actually found everything that she would need. She definitely had to send a thank you to God for that one. So, now that she’d made her plan she turned her attention to her own children. She really wanted to spend as much time with them as she could, especially if this life didn’t last for her. She wanted to have the chance to make some really good memories for her and her children.