Life Begins Read online

  He was quiet as he stared at her. “I am not sure that I want to be married.”

  She nodded. “I know. That is why I’m saying this. I think that something strange is going on between us and it is making it confusing for our children. You leave me to take care of your girls so that I have to sleep here at night when I have an apartment. You bought beds for my children, which tells me you thought about what you did. You have me dependent on you and I have no indication that our staying together is going to continue. You do things like this, knowing that you tempt me to do the things I shouldn’t. I’m trying to create boundaries so that I don’t lose myself in you because I have no idea what’s going to happen when you leave me.”

  “I just said that I am not leaving and am paying to change the name of baby.”

  “But you want her named your way. I have always wanted my daughter to have the name Zaire. I have always thought it was pretty.”

  “It is nice name, just not right name. Unless we do Juljiana Zaire Knežević. ”

  “Not if you don’t marry me. Otherwise I expect her to stay Jones.”

  “Convince me.”

  Which way? With him, she never knew what he was fully thinking “What if I don’t want to convince you?” He allowed her to sit up, but she couldn’t break his hold long enough to stop straddling him. She wasn’t sure why his strength surprised her, considering. “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to be free.”

  She couldn’t help the slight smile touching her lips. “That seems the exact opposite of what you’re offering. It sounds to me like you’re making me a mistress.”

  “How is that?”

  She rolled her hips against him. “You’re hard against me.”

  “I can have sex without you being mistress.”

  “But you can have me as a mistress because you’re providing the income I need.”

  “You are working for it. Mistress is prostitute for taking.”

  She snorted with laughter. “That was rude. Some women feel they have no choice but to give a man their body because no matter how progressive the world says it is, the world still belongs to men.”

  “You made choice to be housewife.”

  “And I don’t regret it. I enjoy taking care of this family, even though you are a difficult man to deal with.” She found she wasn’t trying to manipulate the situation when she bent down to kiss those constantly sneering lips of his. “You want me to give myself to you, while you decide to take my kids. Where’s my real benefit?”

  “You get to cling to me during the night while I am naked.” She tried to roll off him, but he didn’t allow that. “What do you want as benefit?”

  What did she want? He took care of her kids’ needs. He paid off the hospital bill and lawyer fees. He was willing to help pay for changing her daughter’s name. It didn’t take much energy to care for his daughters and he himself wasn’t too demanding. He even seemed to love having her children around and gave them the attention of a father that she’d been dying for them to have.

  Maybe most of her problem was the fact that she kind of wanted that for herself, to belong to somebody that was going to take care of her like they did her children. She wanted to be a family and have a real family experience, the way that other women were able to achieve. Yes, she didn’t feel the need to work a job, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t have dreams. She wanted to be with someone who was going to support it.

  She lay her head on Žarko’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I want to be a family,” she finally said quietly. “I think that I want to be able to have a husband and have my children call someone dad. You can’t just have my children without taking me. It has to be the whole package.”

  She felt him take a deep breath and release it. “Then I will take your family. We will speak of the terms of your surrender to me.”

  He finally allowed her to roll off of him. She laid there, staring at the ceiling as he got up and prepared himself for bed. “This is the height of insanity. You do know that, right?”

  “We can do what we desire because we are two adults.” There was a short pause before he said, “You do know we are changing Jason’s name, too.”

  She covered her face with her hands. “Why? His name is fine.”

  “Is not fair for Juljiana to have Serbian name and not brother.”

  “You are making it more difficult for me to explain this to the group. They already think that I should stay far away from me and now I’m starting to agree.”

  His weight joined her in the bed. She couldn’t help but turn to her side to look at him. His left hand settled on her hip. She guessed that it was supposed to be a soothing motion, but she knew him to be almost incapable of soothing anyone’s emotions. “Why are we still in group? We don’t need it.”

  “They are still my friends and I’m not yet married. I want to be able to go to group until you put the ring on my finger.”

  “You will have me pay for wedding?”

  She traced the veins along his tattooed forearm. “I don’t know that I want another actual wedding. When I married Gary, his parents paid for this extensive ceremony. I think that this time, I just want to relax and enjoy it. Maybe it can be just us and the kids, with maybe Marisol as our witness?”

  “Or, we can just have the kids and ignore everyone else.”

  She tried seeing if pouting would give her the advantage. She got nothing out of him other than his usual look, which caused her to sigh. “Fine. We’ll talk about it. Put our terms on the table.”

  He suddenly pushed at her. “Take those jeans off. It is time for bed.” She rolled completely off the bed to do just that.

  ~*~

  She had no kids for the weekend and Josie couldn’t be happier. In a magnanimous decision, her mother decided to take all four of the kids, presuming that she and Žarko were dating and desperate to be alone. Mostly because of him introducing himself as her future husband.

  That had been embarrassing, considering her mother had never been enthused by interracial dating, but as always, Žarko’s girls managed to win the day, because the Lord knew that Žarko had very little charm to him. For the girls alone, Ms. Maven Jones decided that she wanted to keep everyone for the weekend, just so she could get to know them better.

  Josie thought it more because her mother expected her to behave like a wild animal and start humping Žarko just because. It made Josie a little frustrated by her mother’s continued need to disrespect the fact that Josie chose to live a life that included celibacy until she got remarried. It was why she planned to use the opportunity away from her kids to hide out in her apartment, away from sexy Žarko and that damn sneer.

  For once, she felt as if God were on her side because Žarko suddenly had to go to work. She used that much needed quality time in her own apartment to just relax and watch some American television. She had gotten so used to sleeping in the bed that laying on the couch wasn’t nearly as comfortable, but she benefitted because she could lounge in what she wanted to, a plain white tank and her comfortable pair of blue panties.

  Žarko hadn’t mentioned anything about dinner, or when he planned to return home, but she didn’t think that it was a bad idea to have something ready. She did have to feed herself and she had never been really good at not cooking for more than one. It just wouldn’t be Serbian fair. Or, she suddenly decided, maybe she could do an internet search and see if she could find a Serbian food restaurant she could order from. Then she changed her mind. It would be best to let him be the one to decide that. He knew Serbian food better than she did after all and she didn’t want to take the risk of getting something neither of them enjoyed.

  “Besides, it’s just nice to lay here all by myself,” she admitted to herself. In her marriage, she’d barely felt like she had time to relax, Gary had her so busy with doing things. With the kids, she’d always felt the need to have some kind of activity set up to entertain Jason especially or she was always feeding the
baby and trying to get things done in between the feedings. Calm like this wouldn’t last, she knew, but while she had it, she planned to take advantage of it.

  By early afternoon, she was bored enough to clean the apartment. She packed together some clothing, knowing that she would most likely be staying most nights at the Serbian household instead of her own. She took all the dirty clothes to her favorite laundromat and did laundry. It felt a bit strange doing so much work for a household of six, but at the same time, it kept her so occupied that she soon found a groove and began ignoring the extra clothing she tossed into the machines.

  Žarko called just as set the last load in the dryer. “Where are you?”

  “Doing laundry. You sound worried.” She set the cell between her ear and her shoulder while she began folding on the provided table. She heard him sigh deeply.

  “I’m tired.” Which meant he was probably smoking somewhere. Even though he tried to hide it, she’d smelled it on him enough times to know that it was a problem with him.

  “Well, you can either come to where I am, or you can go to your apartment and have a drink or something while you wait for me to come back.”

  “How much more laundry do you have?”

  “I’ll probably be finished or just about by the time you get here. Depending on how far away you are, that is.”

  “Where is laundry place?” She gave him the address. “Fine. I will come to you then.” He hung up immediately and she assumed that meant he was on his way. She turned her concentration back to the folding. She’d had to wash everyone’s items with the baby detergent just because she didn’t want to wash her daughter’s stuff by itself and mostly because she didn’t want to risk the delicate skin of her daughter since everyone wanted to hold her. She hoped that he didn’t notice.

  Žarko walked in just as she thought he would have, right when she pulled out the last load from the large dryer. He strode toward her, the eye of every woman and some of the males watching him move. Josie wanted to laugh about that. He did make a fine figure with an open black leather jacket, black t-shirt and jeans hugging his muscles lovingly. It also gave just a sneak peek at the edges of the tattoos she knew were covering his torso.

  She watched as his hand grabbed hold of her cart, moving it slightly as she pulled out heaps of clothing from the warm dryer. “You do look tired,” she told him. And just like she thought, he’d been smoking.

  “I’m wearing glasses, how can you tell that I’m tired?”

  She brushed her thumb across his cheek, very close to his lips. “You only frown when you’re tired. Every other time, you’re too busy sneering at everybody.” She couldn’t say she was surprised when he leaned down to kiss her. Somehow, it just felt natural to let him, even if she had to taste cigarette ash on his tongue.

  “I was just thinking that maybe we could order something from a restaurant of your choice. Maybe something Serbian, since you talk about the stuff I make. Then, maybe we can just watch a movie. I know that we’re supposed to talk about our terms, but since we’ve already put it off a few days, I don’t think I’d mind if we put it off another.”

  He moved with her toward the folding table she’d been using and leaned against the edge while she folded the last of their clean clothes. “You do not mind?” he finally asked her. She shook her head.

  “I think that if we’re talking about something as important as marriage, then it’s imperative that we talk about expectations. I know we say wife and husband, or housewife, but that’s such a broad term. After the miserableness of my first marriage, I want to know exactly what I’m getting into. I think that we need to talk about everything so that there’s never a misunderstanding between us.”

  “I think same.” He reached for the waiting bags, leaving her to take the smaller one with her children’s clothing when she’d finished putting everything together for travel. They went outside, where she saw his behemoth parked next to her own minivan.

  He turned to her once he’d set the bags in the back seat and reached out for what she had, also putting it inside his vehicle. “I will go get food and meet you at apartment.”

  “Do you need me to stop and get something?” she asked. She couldn’t exactly put up the clothing that he insisted on taking with him, while she waited.

  He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He passed her a hundred dollar bill. “Do you remember where is the store I took you?” When she nodded he said, knowing that he meant the liquor store he’d taken to before they’d bought her car, “Ask the clerk to give you my pivo. He knows the right brand.”

  Again, she nodded. “Do you need me to go to the Redbox for a movie?”

  He shook his head. “I will bring us movie. You get pivo.”

  She nodded her head as if that made total sense. “Fine, then. Break.” She clapped her hands like she was coming out of a football huddle. “See you at the house.”

  Chapter 8

  She’d gotten his beer and had gone back to her own apartment to calm down. She had no idea when he planned to return, but she gave herself as much time as she felt she needed to keep a cool head with him and as long as he wasn’t knocking on her door, she assumed that he might not have yet arrived. It was only when an hour and a half had gone by without hearing from him that she took the risk of heading to his door, beer in hand.

  She knocked briefly, almost feeling timid with it. He answered, pulling the door open slowly. The first thing she noticed about him was that he was shirtless. The second thing was that there wasn’t the buffer of the children to keep her from doing something stupid. She felt silly, knowing that she hadn’t dressed any better. She wasn’t practically naked, like him, but she had wanted to be comfortable lounging around on what essentially could be seen as a date.

  Why did I have to think the word date? She didn’t have much time to beat herself up over her decision, because he was reaching for her arm holding the drinks. “What took you so long?” he said, as he began pulling her inside. Distantly, she heard the neighbor’s door across the hall opening. She quickly entered the apartment, not wanting to be seen in her only pair of tiny exercise shorts and tank.

  “I thought you would knock on my door to let me know you were here.” She wasn’t going to admit to feeling a lot of nervousness. She felt like hornets were having a party in her stomach, not butterflies. And she couldn’t stop looking at Žarko’s underwear peeking out the top of his jeans. There was a tattoo just above that edge in what she assumed was his language, and it didn’t take a genius to know that she didn’t want it translated.

  When she could finally get her eyes to lift higher than where her dirty thoughts would let her, she found that Žarko had been watching her look at him. “You want I should take off my pants so you can inspect closely?” He began tugging his pants lower, showing the line that led her eye further lower.

  She grunted, doing her best to pretend that she didn’t care what she did. “Take your beer and let me put up the clothes.” She thrust the package at him and ran to do just that, hoping that she could relax and get her heart to stop beating so fast. She couldn’t understand how he made her panties so wet so fast. It shouldn’t have been possible because of his personality. Gary hadn’t been forceful or intimidating. But maybe that was the thing. She’d never encounter a man that reeked so heavily of sex. Even his bad traits attracted her attention.

  She had no doubts that without the kids, he could easy convince her into his bed. She could barely keep her body from trembling any time he drew near. She didn’t even love him, could barely stand him most days since knowing him. Her friends from the divorce group practically hated him and basically put up with him because he wasn’t going to let her be in the meetings by herself.

  He didn’t give her the feeling that he was obsessive, but he certainly gave her the vibe of being highly possessive. It didn’t frighten her, because he did give her space, but at the same time, she had to admit to feeling the slightest bit of fear. He didn’
t really seem like the kind of man that a woman could just leave.

  When she finished putting up the clothing, she paused in the room she had been sharing with him. She felt all fluttery and discombobulated. No matter how many deep breaths she took, she just couldn’t get herself together. “It’s just a movie and some dinner.” She didn’t have to stay in the apartment with him. She could just eat, watch, and go home. It wasn’t like he was going to be able to hold her hostage.

  “Are you coming or are you going to panic in room all day?” she heard him ask from behind her. He didn’t give her much time to answer, before he was guiding her out of the room. Maybe he knew that she was tempted to say that she wanted to stay in the room and panic, because she was sorely tempted to do just that. But she braved the temptation of sitting beside him on the couch.

  On the table, he had the bags of food already spread out. The smells were just delicious and even though she couldn’t recognize what everything was, she was eager to at least try it, as long as she could ignore her dinner mate. Žarko let her have first taste of everything, so that she could find what she liked the most. She had to admit that she really liked the kebab thing. It was definitely better than she’d made. “This doesn’t taste like the same recipe that I have in my book.”

  He shrugged. “Probably not, but it is also first time you cooked it. Practice will make you better.” She supposed that was as much of a compliment she would get. He got the television and DVD player set up. She had no idea what movie he planned to play, but with good food, she decided not to worry about it. “Now, we are going to practice your Serbian listening.”

  “Or subtitle reading as the case may be. I highly doubt I’m going to have time to listen to a language I haven’t been learning. And if you turn off the subtitles, then I’m just going to be looking at the pictures and figure out the movie that way. Hopefully, it’s not anything violent.”